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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:09 AM |
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A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replied, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What' s that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
wait for it......
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:23 AM |
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 07:28 PM |
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Circumcised - this is priceless!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school'.
Kids!!! Don't ya just love 'em??!!
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 07:30 PM |
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Near Fredericksburg,Texas, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
A farmer walking down a countryroad notices a man
drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die
kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh** in it.'
The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just
down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you.
Please speak in English.'
The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 07:30 PM |
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama 's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 07:32 PM |
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This one is my real favorite!!!
Two men from Texas were driving through Arkansas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window
with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and 'WHACK', the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.
'You're in Arkansas , son', the trooper answered. 'When we pull you over in Arkansas , you better have your license ready by the time we
get to your car.'
'I'm sorry, officer,' the driver said, 'I'm from Texas and don't know your laws here.'
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and 'WHACK', the trooper ;
smacks him on the head with the e nightstick. 'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.
'Just making your wish come true,' replied the trooper.
'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.
'Because, I know you Texas people, the trooper says.. 'Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that
a**hole would've tried that sh** with me!'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 05:10 AM |
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You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: "'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause.......
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIR CRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'Hey' for us."
Last edited on Tue Aug 19th, 2008 05:10 AM by patrioticmom
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 07:52 PM |
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A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the nurse, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo
3) Or finding out your hoo hoo fits through your wedding ring (priceless)
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sun Sep 7th, 2008 09:43 PM |
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Rubber gloves.....
Body: Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile
when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,'he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size.
'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate potion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
working!
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