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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:15 AM |
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service --
_________________
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:17 AM |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, ”Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?.”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take the chance.”
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:18 AM |
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker is normally very conservative, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion." The man walks up to him and asks, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies.
The man is silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
The co-worker replies, "Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:19 AM |
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Actual Signs That Have Been Found
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A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:22 AM |
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Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class . She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:25 AM |
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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Conservative."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:27 AM |
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO
SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT
I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sat Jul 19th, 2008 04:30 AM |
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?'
God replied,
'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!'
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patrioticmom
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Posted: Sun Aug 17th, 2008 03:48 PM |
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The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along
with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why
you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a
while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)
*
*
*
*
*
*
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had
a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
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